2019 is the year for opening up to new possibilities for me. Although my prior sentence reads like a New Year's Resolution, I have only arrived at this understanding over the past couple of months. Take yesterday, for instance; the family was celebrating my son's birthday and due to varying schedules, this lunch party was a few days early. Depending on how I am feeling, there are times that family gatherings are a challenge, and yesterday was one of those days. Because I am no longer blaming an external situation for how I feel (I believe all external situations involving me, are in part, my creation - this does not present a conundrum for me, rather, it is a way of separating my responsibility to manage my own feelings and remain connected to the world around me) and in doing so, I create space around an emotion which gives me an opportunity to witness that feeling as a condition and not representative of my entire being.
On the drive to meet everyone at a restaurant, I close my eye's - being in the passenger seat afforded me this luxury - allowing my awareness to explore a jumble of mental activity until I located a field of sensitivity and the term field concisely describes my emotional topography. This field of emotion contains the living presence of past experience, it has much more yet, for now, I am looking through the bramble and honeysuckle for the energetic presence of my little kid. All that has happened in the past has led me to find him.
As is true with many people, I do not have a clear idea as to why I needed such a turbulent launch into life, but none-the-less here I am. There is a breathable dimension within me, but for a guy who has meditated over 40 years, this shouldn't be a surprise. I have firsthand experience at how well a once protective behavior can be utterly determined to remain protective even when all visible evidence, situational discomfort and inner sense of friction are screaming otherwise. Here is where meditation allowed me to keep chipping away at the impenetrable wall between love and seld-annihilation. I closed my eye's and in the field of emotion, I found him.
I agreed to protect him but in a different way. We are to be friends and learn from each other. I will use the knowledge of the world that I as an adult must navigate in and he will infuse me with youthful exuberance. What is being in the moment - I think that definition is always changing until there is no need to define it.
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